So… we decided to wait until Monday for my next ultrasound. My regular doc, Dr. P, is in the OR tomorrow morning and I only want him to do this next scan. I just trust him…. He did send me an e-mail saying he also reviewed my records and thinks that the ‘lag’ is more like 4 or 5 days and not a week. He seemed to think that this might not be significant and by waiting until Monday, we would be able to get more information on whether this ‘lag’ is something serious or not. Tonight, I am almost wishing that we were going in the morning…. I just want to know. But I also want the best information we can get… and for that, I have to wait. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of waiting!!!
trouble in paradise? December 1, 2009
It’s been a wonderful past week and half. We’ve purchased books about twins, twin pregnancy, preparing for twins… Our biggest disagreement has been about the type or types of strollers we might need: side to side, one in front of the other, one that we can use carseats in for infants, one that could last from infancy through toddlerhood…. who knew there were so many kinds?! We’ve painted the room that will be the nursery — a soft warm light brown called, “comfy cottage.” We decided on a teddy bear theme, that we would have two cribs – but initially use just one, that we might need to consider a larger vehicle. We started to tell just a few of our closer friends about our twin pregnancy. Nausea kicked in at times and I found that wearing ‘sea bands,’ and having small bits of food handy to nibble on does seem to help a bit.
Yesterday morning we went for what was to be my last ultrasound at the specialist’s office. The other doctor in the practice saw me – Dr. M. He hadn’t reviewed my past ultrasound or records. He did the ultrasound and again we saw those two beautiful little flashing heartbeats. Dr. M updated measurements and calculated I was 7 weeks, 1 day along. Something didn’t seem right, but it took me time to figure it out. We were, at that time, ecstatic! We had decided on a new OBGYN and Dr. M said my records would be sent that afternoon. He recommended I start on iron supplements right away. No more progesterone! Continue with the B6, B12, prenatal, extra folic acid, and omega 3. We were smiles leaving and smiling through most the day!
Looking back on my earlier ultrasound from 11/19, I saw that I was measured to be 6 weeks, 1 day at that time. That was 12 days earlier. That meant that in 12 days, both babies were only showing one week of growth. I remembered Dr. P saying that I would be 8 weeks yesterday… that is different from the 7.1 measurements that were taken. How easily worry slides in and takes a strong grip. I e-mailed Dr. M for clarification. Maybe this is typical? Maybe sometimes babies go through a ‘slow growth’ period?
Dr. M got back to me after reviewing my records and all the ultrasounds done so far. His conclusion was that I should be 8 weeks. He said that perhaps one of the measurements is ‘off’ – but he felt confident about his. He said that it can be okay if there is a growth lag of 3 or 4 days… but mine is almost a week off. His recommendation was that I come back in 7-10 days for another ultrasound… or come back on Friday if I can’t wait that long. I began to feel a different kind of sick. The kind of sick when it seems like the world is just sliding out from under me feet.
Yesterday, I hadn’t felt any nausea. I haven’t worn a sports bra to sleep for the past few nights because I just haven’t felt that sore. Are these signs? This morning I did feel sick again – is that good? I’m terrified of losing these babies. That would make 5 losses in 2 years. Too much about this time was good and has felt right. Is it wrong for me to doubt this now? I’m scared to naively believe all is going to be okay because the more I believe that, the more it will hurt when the bad news comes. But that is assuming that this is going downhill and my pregnancy is in jeopardy. I don’t know that. I’ve done everything, everything I can to help make this pregnancy successful. I want Friday to come quickly.
Twins! November 19, 2009
It’s confirmed! This morning we saw both heart beats during the ultrasound! Two of them – wow!
2 more days until ultrasound #2 November 17, 2009
Two days from now we would have already had out second ultrasound. It still amazes me that we may be able to hear a heartbeat or two at that time! Today, I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I’ve spent most of this afternoon and evening sitting on the sofa. I’m just tired and don’t really feel like doing much of anything. A few waves of nausea did hit earlier today… but nothing since then. My face is incredibly broken out — stocked up on some clearacil today! I also have a giant painful cold sore on the inside of my lip. The rash on my hips has thickened to one or two big masses on each side. Thankfully, not as itchy thanks to hydrocortisone. It seems, that all of my early pregnancy symptoms are skin related! The funny thing is, is that while these things are certainly nuisances… they each serve as reminders that something is happening inside my body. Thursday, will be the day when for a short minute, we can see what is happening inside me. And maybe, even hear what is happening. I can’t wait!
seeing double November 15, 2009
I may still be in shock from the ultrasound! Sitting there on the table I was so nervous it was hard to breath. My husband stood next to me and rubbed my shoulders and we just waited…. Dr. P came in and the ultrasound began (details will be spared). There, on the screen a black circle came into view with a whitish dot in the middle of it. Giddiness by all ensued! Then, there it was, a second slightly smaller black circle with a whitish dot in it. A second gestational sac! Two sacs each with it’s own yolk. The larger measured 6mm and the smaller 4 mm. The varying of sizes might be attributed to differing days of implantation as when the embryo’s were transfered, they were just inserted into my uterus to free flow and implant on their own. We were then told to make an appointment for next week so that we could come back and hopefully hear heartbeatS. Heartbeats. Two of them! Wow! To have been down such a long road just to become successfully pregnant and now find out there is the very real possibility of twins is just overwhelmingly amazing!!!
winning numbers November 7, 2009
HCG 135 Monday
HCG 245 Wednesday
HCG 805 Friday
805?! When the nurse told me this number over the phone I was stunned. Then she mentioned that while they can’t diagnose multiples based on numbers, my numbers were suspicious. Really?! She laughed and said they would see me next Thursday for my ultrasound. I called my husband and was so glad for speed dial because my hands were just shaking. He answered and the only thing I could get out was ‘805.’ He understood and just laughed and laughed… and then laughed some more! I called my mom and she laughed and cried.
How do I feel… Excited, scared, nervous, anxious for the ultrasound…. Physically, my breasts really hurt (slept in a sports bra last night kind of hurt), tired, my face is breaking out (didn’t know the ‘pregnancy glow’ was acne!), tired, and tired. The nurse I talked to said that morning sickness usually kicks in around 1000 HCG so I should be ready for that. To that, I say, bring it on! After all that we’ve been through to get here, there will be no complaints from me. And truthfully, while I may regret saying this later, I’m looking forward to anything that will make me ‘feel’ more pregnant!
Shaky ground? November 5, 2009
So… yesterday I went for my second beta HCG. I wanted these numbers to clearly double! Everything I’ve read said that these numbers should double every 48 hours. Mine went from 135 on Monday to 245 on Wednesday. Not quite a doubling, eh? In my head, I fight the urge to cry out, “Here we go again…” I’ve been in this same spot 3 times and I want this story to have a different ending, not a miscarriage ending. My husband reminds me that it is only 10% off from doubling. I can cognitively rationalize that, however, it doesn’t help me feel better. The doctor’s are not concerned and feel this raise is adequate and asked that I come back NEXT Thursday for an ultrasound. That, is over a week away. Nope. No way. I’ll go crazy by then! Thank God my doctor is understanding of my history and has agreed to let me do a third beta HCG on Friday. I’m scared. My belly is crampy. My breasts hurt. I don’t know what normal is. I don’t know what of this is being caused by the extra progesterone that gets injected into me each night. I’m tired. I want to go to sleep and wake on Friday afternoon to a phone call with a nurse telling my numbers are now in the 500’s. But I can’t do that…. What I can do is keep reminding myself that I have done everything, everything that I can do to make this pregnancy successful. This will be what it will be, and I will be okay. It’s just waiting to find out that is so hard.
pregnancy confirmed November 2, 2009
I am pregnant. I am pregnant! Two different doctors from my clinic called this morning to congratulate me after seeing the results of my bloodwork. Today is day 28 of my cycle, exactly 2 weeks from my retrieval… my HCG level is 135! My progesterone level is perfect. Tomorrow night will be the last night that my husband will be giving me progesterone shots and on Wednesday I’ll begin vaginal suppositories of progesterone. I’m trading pain for mess! I also go back on Wednesday morning for round two of bloodwork. Those numbers, when compared to the 135 of today, should be about doubled if all is developing well. I am so excited!!!! I am so nervous!
Having a history of things ‘going wrong’ causes me to be cautious and wary. It just seems though, that this time, this time is different. This time, all has gone so smoothly. Pieces fell into place so easily. The timing of how all of this happened is amazing. What at first seemed to be coincidences are really miracles. That we moved up our appointment to 10/7, the day I happened to get my period. That on that day, my ovaries were working as they should and my uterus looked great. That two other women couldn’t complete IVF cycles this month, and there I was ready to go and able to take their place. The license plate of the car I followed after that appointment – CGODDOIT. That we got our meds in record time. That my parents, overseas at the time of all this, and unknowing of any of this, sent us a postcard of a picture of a stained glass window in a cathedral in Germany – the window depicted Sara praying for a child. That in the midst of this, when I began to question, my lost necklace appeared on my closet floor with the ‘believe’ pendant facing up. That the acupuncturist I work with had office ours at my clinic on the same day of my transfer so that I could get treatments before and after without paying extra money. That 4 of my 5 eggs fertilized. That I am now pregnant! That I am due July 12…. and because of my 11 month contract I do not work the month of July. Miracles. This time, God is working in our lives and putting things in motion. This time will have a different ending. This, I believe!
Seeing lines! November 1, 2009
All during the night I kept waking up wanting to use the bathroom. I wanted my urine to be as concentrated as possible so I waited as long as I could and made it to 6:45 before I could wait no more. My husband was still sleeping as a crept out of bed and into the bathroom. I had my dixie cup and test kit lined up there, ready to go. I prayed… and then I peed. In and out went the strip, and then the wait began. Ten minutes have never felt so long. I left the strip in the bathroom and went into my closet and pretend to straighten things up so that I would not stare at the drying strip while I waited. This last about 8 minutes before I gave in and went back into the bathroom. There it was, light, but there, a pink line. A pink line! As the next two minutes went by, it got a little darker!
I can’t even begin to describe the emotions that hit me at that moment. I just remember kneeling down and thanking God. Crying and laughing at the same time. Sliding back into bed where my husband, now wide awake with looked at me with wide eyes as I told him the line was definitely there. Him, laughing and smiling… just grinning. We just lay there looking at each other grinning. Is this bliss?
Bliss doesn’t last long when you’ve had 2 ectoptic pregnancies and a miscarriage. We know too much, have experienced too much maybe. My husband calls it being cautiously optimistic. It’s a feeling that invades because we need to protect ourselves from potentially being devastated again. Giddy happiness turns to fear that it could happen again… because it could happen again! and that is horribly unfair. I want to stay in bliss! I want to not know how important the HCG numbers collected over this next week will matter. I want to be unaware of the bad things that can go wrong. I want to enjoy this!
Tomorrow I will go to my RE’s office and have my beta drawn. Those numbers by themselves won’t mean much, but when they compare them to the numbers that will be collected on Wednesday and then on Friday, they will hold much meaning. Each of my past pregnancies was found to be amiss because of these early numbers not doubling every 48 hours as they should. It’s like, we’ve passed this first hurdle – IVF worked and I am pregnant! Now, we just pray that all is healthy and well enough for me to stay that way.
Seeing lines October 31, 2009
Under my sink are about 5 pregnancy tests. They are ridiculously cheap when they are bought in bulk from early-pregnancy-tests.com. Last year I went through a period of chronic testing and did buy many in bulk. I’ve been trying so hard to not use these leftover ones and to wait until my beta on Monday. The doctor did say that I could take a home pregnancy test tomorrow (Sunday) and that it should be fairly accurate. He did warn us that if the test was negative, we should still get the beta drawn on beta on Monday because a home pregnancy test could give us a false negative if the level of HCG in my body were low. His words have been ringing in my ears because the parts of what he said that I really keyed on were that I could take a home pregnancy test before the beta on Monday.
I waited as long as I could before I just couldn’t resist anymore. I peed in the little dixie cup, held the home pregnancy test dip stick in the cup for 3 seconds, and rested it on the mouth of the cup to wait the required 10 minutes. How many times I looked at the stick in the span of that 10 minutes I can’t say. Too many. As the alloted time passed I looked more intently. There could be a faint shadowy line. I brought the stick closer to a bright light to see better. I took it over to the window – maybe natural light was better for viewing? Perhaps the more diffused light in my closet? No, not that light… back to brighter lights in the bathroom. I tilt it. I hold it up in the air. Is that a very faint line? Am I wishing so hard that I’m willing my eyes to see something that is not there? I squint. And then I can’t see because tears are in way. It is so hard to want something so badly! It is so hard to wait and now know. Wiping my eyes I look again. And really, there just could be, could be, a slightly shadowy line there.
Time will tell. Tomorrow is Sunday. Official test day. And I have no hesitation about taking another test!
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